As Valentine's Day approaches, women's magazines and websites are full of '10 ways to please your man' but these are either too tame or geared towards the dominant male.
Ladies - if your man is a skinny, shy, geeky, middle class, office-working beta boy - just like me - you might find the usual sex tips just don't work. So here are 5 things EVERY sensitive boy fantasises about but was too shy to tell you. So on Valentine's Day or an anniversary why not bring one of these out to play with - and don't take any pseudo-macho bullshit about him not being into it!
Nothing makes your man feel more loved than squirming away on his office chair after a scorching spanking the night before. I'm sure you've given his tush a few slaps in the past, but if you're reading this then it wasn't enough. You need to spank his ass till your hand gives out, then buy a paddle and use it till it breaks. Aim for crimson rather than pink.
Spank him like he wishes his mother used to. Any time he does something to piss you off or forgets something just pull down his pants and let fly.
Buy the thickest, leatheriest belt you can find and wear it out on his ass. Buy the meanest, stingiest little paddle in the shop and use it till it breaks:
This is a stress release for you to help you get over his mistakes. You're not punishing him - he loves being spanked. All that crying and hollering is just him releasing all the pressure to be manly and regressing back to the obedient boy he wants to be.
And for heaven's sake don't worry about hurting him. The Lord gave us big round buttocks so that our betters would have something safe to spank.
Handcuffs, rope, nipple clamps, ankle cuffs, leg spreaders, bondage horses, cock rings, testicle cuffs, cock cages, collars, neck and nose leashes... Trussing your man up in all the bondage gear money can buy will both satisfy his middle class craving for constant, niggling discomfort and really focus his mind on serving you:
You've both probably got slutty-to-authentic school uniforms and a few other outfits to play in, but what your man never told you is he fantasises about some real role reversal.
If you've caught him playing with your lingerie then you've got a head start. If not, give him your tightest, sweatiest pair of panties to wear to work or the shops or both.
Once he's broken in roll out the big guns. Doll your man up in stockings, corsets, wigs, jewellery and slutty makeup. Don't forget to pick up a pair of size 9 high heels from ebay (men in just stockings look as ridiculous as men in just socks) and bring a razor/wax/epaulator for those unsightly hairs.
You can go with the black leather dominatrix look, the kinky auntie, or just go full out and don a man's suit, tie, chunky wristwatch and shoes and pretend to be his boss as you give him the most head spiningly amazing fuck of his life.
Your man really does want to help around the house, but like all boys he's just very very lazy. So whip out your riding crop and turn your sissy hubby into your sissy maid, and from then on he can do every chore in the house.
Threatening to invite his friends and/or family round while he's in his sissy gear should quieten any protest.
Buy a white glove to check his work and punish him SEVERELY for every speck of dust you find. And whether or not you take the maid role to its logical conclusion and have him wear his lingerie while he serves your friends cocktails on your girly nights in is up to you.
Whether it's fingers, thumbs, butts plugs, bananas, cucumbers, root vegetables or another man's cock, make no mistake, if its long and penislike your man has fantasised about having it up his ass, pounding his prostate til he comes ljke a gurl. Ever since the school bully called him a fag he's secretly wondered if he is, and probably slips a finger up there at least every other wank.
Be sure to buy a kingsize pot of lube and make sure his bottom is nicely warmed up before you start.
Then crack out the strapon dildos.
Then crack out the strapon dildos.
Make sure your plastic cock is at least a little bigger than his. If you're feeling mean then you can even make him compare them. And if you're feeling really mean then invite a friend to join in:
Don't forget to tell him what a dirty little slut he is while you're pegging his ass. The whole cumming while being penetrated instead of while penetrating is what makes ass pounding so attractive to beta boys, so don't stop fucking him till he's shot a nice sticky load all over the bed sheets - even if it takes all night!